


High Enough to See God

by ThisPeep



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Angst, Body Horror, Dead Jim, Drugs, Grief/Mourning, Hallucinations, M/M, Post-Reichenbach, Self Loathing, self blame
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-08
Updated: 2017-10-08
Packaged: 2019-01-10 13:38:18
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 944
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12300252
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThisPeep/pseuds/ThisPeep
Summary: Sherlock can't force Jim to come see him, but he can force his body to see Jim. It's not close enough.





	High Enough to See God

“I never wanted you like this.”

And with just that, Jim’s fingers stopped undoing his next button and he stilled, boring into Sherlock’s eyes. “Not to point out the obvious, but you clearly do currently want me like this.”

“It’s all I have, now.” It was terrible, of course. A laughable imitation. Sherlock brushed his fingerpads over Jim’s lips. “You’re a phony.”

“Duh.” Jim stuck out his tongue. “I shot myself in the head, curls. People tend not to come back from that. Or, not without the help of oh-so-many pills.” His fingers curled in along the hem and split the shirt open more, exposing half his chest in a gaping river of skin. 

Sherlock’s hand moved to Jim’s hair. “You were never this desperate.”

“We both know that’s not true.”

“This willing.”

“ _So very wrong_.”

“This soft.”

“That, you wouldn’t know.” The way Jim shifted slid his shirt down off his shoulder. “Right now you’re just too busy being angry with yourself because you can’t replicate me well enough. You can’t even enjoy the fantasy you yourself constructed. You’re very silly, Mr. Holmes.”

The floor came up and met the back of Sherlock’s head roughly. He opened his eyes and Jim’s shirt was torn open, buttons on the floor, sleeves pooled around his wrists. “That’s hardly more realistic. I wouldn’t have to force myself on you.”

“Hey, give yourself credit. You’re trying to work out how it’d go.” The tears that’d been in Jim’s eyes faded without falling, and his shirt evaporated off his skin. “Too easy, too hard, just make up your mind and let’s have fun!”

“It has to be _right_.”

“Nothing in your life is right without me around anymore. Well,” Jim laid down on top of Sherlock, the pressure present but distant and imagined. “In the flesh.”

“You wouldn’t give in this easily.”

“I might have. You don’t knowww.” His tongue dragged along Sherlock’s neck and he felt the slick of it but no wetness followed the trail. “Because you never got to experience it. You were too slow.”

“Please. It turned out exactly how you wanted.”

Jim giggled. “Yeah, okay, _maybe_. It might have been perfect, a tad bit.” His teeth scraped against Sherlock’s jawline, as sharp as his personality. Sherlock’s mind ran through saved images, zooming in to check, and the teeth dulled. Jim sighed. “You know what your problem is? Everything has to be perfect.”

“Same could be said for you.”

“Liar. I always found my fun in imperfection, it was just rare for me. Perfection is boring. It’s more exciting when you just don’t know, hm?”

“It’s exciting when I don’t know but I’m on my way to finding out.”

The fake pressure lifted, and Jim sat looming over Sherlock on his lap, arms crossed in front of his chest. “Will you get over it? Your grief is getting in the way of your grieving. I died. So many mysteries left unsolved, so many questions unanswered, blah blah, just fuck me.”

“You’re a right bastard, you know that?”

“You sound like John.”

“All I wanted was to learn. You took away the one thing that could have kept me entertained for my whole life.”

The way Jim softened made Sherlock prickle. He slid his arms over Sherlock’s shoulders and Sherlock met his eyes coldly. “Honey, we both know that I’d get bored of you long before you got bored of me.”

Sherlock’s jaw clenched. “Good to know I’m so insecure. You were obsessed with me.”

“Obsession fades.”

“Not our type of obsession. Not until every piece of the puzzle is solved.”

Jim’s hand caressed Sherlock’s jaw while another slid down his chest and another tucked a lock of hair behind his ear. Sherlock floated. Jim did not. “I very rarely finished puzzles. Once I saw how it would fit together I moved on.”

“Liar.”

“You wouldn’t know.”

“I wouldn’t know even if you were still alive. I couldn’t trust anything you told me about your past.”

Jim looked hurt. “I never lied to you about anything that mattered.”

“Does your past matter?”

“To me?”

“Yes.”

“I don’t know.”

“Meaning I can’t even pretend to know.”

Jim pressed his lips to Sherlock’s, skin fusing and dripping down Sherlock’s chin and onto his chest. When he next spoke, it was through the clacking of teeth and jawbones bumping into each other. “Are you saying I’m beyond your fathoming?”

Sherlock opened his eyes, and Jim was propped over him-- whole and healthy looking. “Yes.”

“Do you think you were beyond mine?”

Sherlock closed his eyes, and Jim was propped over him-- whole and smug looking. “No.”

“If you’d been better, I’d be alive.”

Sherlock squeezed his eyes shut, and Jim was floating meters above him. “Yes.”

“And I would have hated you for it.”

His eyes flung open again, and Jim was sitting next to him, loosely wrapped in blood stained bandages. “I know. It all turned out in the way that made you happiest, and I wish I could have prevented that.”

The bandages slipped, revealing nothing underneath them except for a view into Jim’s insides where the bandages hadn’t touched. “Maybe I would have been able to spend my life with you.”

“I guess we’ll never know.”

The bandages kept falling, and Jim’s body was made up of ribbons of flesh and guts and bone, and those large eyes didn’t blink. 

Sherlock heard a door slam open somewhere very far away, and then his name get shouted.

“You could have at least let me sucked you off.”

“Next time.” Sherlock assured.

Sherlock fluttered his eyes closed, and John was swarming down on him-- alive and exasperated.

**Author's Note:**

> this is probably the shortest fic ive written in a while, but i like it. just a lil drabble of sherlock missing jim


End file.
